Gabby Valdes is a dating coach for singles looking for love who struggle to find love because they're stuck dating people who ghost, pull away, or end things suddenly. She teaches them the relationship and intimacy skills needed to build a fulfilling relationship.
“ Tell yourself that you’re not being judgmental, but discerning as you navigate dating.“
What is a dealbreaker for you when it comes to dating?
Gabby: This is going to sound simplistic, but it’s really not: My number one dealbreaker is if this person is unkind. I’ve been in relationships where I was constantly triggered or I’d get into fights all the time. I was chronically disappointed. It seems like a no-brainer, but a lot of singles have a skewed definition of “kindness”. Of course, every couple fights, and that’s healthy to a degree. But there is a point where using the excuse, “No one is perfect,” may be used to justify chronic disappointment. Basically, it’s a red flag if it’s a one-sided relationship.
How did you become a dating coach?
Gabby: I’ve struggled a lot with dating for years. I noticed that, even if I was dating different people, they all had the same emotional qualities and we fought about very similar things. I started to notice a pattern: The people I dated depended on substances to process their feelings or had anger issues. I looked at myself and wondered why I was chasing after noncommittal types or people that don’t want emotional intimacy for whatever reason. I took responsibility and hired my own dating coach, Ken Page. I learned about intimacy and learned that I deflected a lot. That was the missing link: I found out that I was attracted to people that hurt me all the time instead of those who were actually kind and interested in me. Six months later, I applied what I learned and focused on being myself and trusting my gut a lot more instead of putting on a mask whenever I met someone. I also streamlined my search for love and found the love of my life at the end of those six months. Now, I spend my days coaching singles looking for the same thing and it’s been so rewarding and fulfilling.
What’s your advice to those who are going through the same experience you did?
Gabby: Intimacy is a scary thing for all humans and we need to address this as a whole instead of blaming all men or all women. Ask yourself what you feel like you always have to hide or are insecure about? We hide parts of ourselves that we are yet to fully love, appreciate, and respect. I was unsure whether I wanted a monogamous relationship or to stay open or casual, and I had the limiting belief that it was silly to commit to something long-term because divorce happens. Because I believed that, I was aimless in the way I approached my relationships.
What would you tell someone looking for “the one” but keeps attracting the same type of person with those dealbreaker qualities?
Gabby: Firstly, give yourself compassion because shaking these types of relationships can be really challenging. Secondly, get clear on what that pattern is, specifically. This involves a lot of self-reflection and understanding. It’s a very sobering experience to reflect on what hurt you in those relationships, whether it’s admitting that it was one-sided or that they failed to communicate effectively with you. Make lists of those hurtful qualities for every single person you’ve dated, even if it was just one date. That will help you get clear on the pattern. Now that you’re aware, you have the ability to make yourself unavailable to these types of people. To avoid being too hard on yourself, tell yourself that you’re not being judgmental, but discerning as you navigate dating.
When is it a good time to hire a dating coach?
Gabby: I was never “on the market” for a dating coach. When you find someone who is either a therapist or a coach whose work really resonates with you to the point where you’re both excited and nervous to work with them, then that might be a good investment. I also read so many books and got all the information I could about the art and science of relationships, but nothing had changed. I realized that research is different from implementation. A dating coach really gave me the skills and accountability that nudged me into action.
What limiting beliefs stopped you from attracting the right person?
Gabby: That I was “too much”, “too emotional”, “too sensitive”, “too intense”. When we believe these, we attract people into our life that reinforce those beliefs. When you hear that voice, try to notice it without judgment so that you can isolate it from your emotions. That will help you become more conscious, and awareness is the first step to getting rid of those limiting beliefs.
What’s a key principle people can implement to attract a better partner?
Gabby: Trust yourself. Know your limits. Know who you’re going to be available for and who you’re not going to be available for. Know that being clear is kind.
Learn more about Gabby Valdes
Her website: https://www.gabriellevaldes.com
Follow her on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/gabriellevaldes
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